10/01/2019 at 10:54 am #58002HugoKeymaster
Resolving Conflict and Turning Differences into Strengths
[See the full post at: Journey Shared – Lesson 6: Resolving Conflict and Turning Differences into Strengths]09/02/2019 at 6:07 pm #58151AutumnParticipant
Journey Shared Lesson 5
I can see my partner as my teacher though not quite the perfect one just yet, he frustrates and confuses me such a lot.
But I can see our areas of conflict as a perfect invitation to evolve, as I am finding out these past few weeks. It is very refreshing to realise that a lot of what I dislike is just pride and a stuborness of doing things in my particular way.
I often think he will not want to do as I do and will contradict what I say, I have to spend time reversing what I am going to say it is such hard work.
We both go silent when we disagree I give up and walk away or bury it inside. Not good I’m am learning as it never goes away it just keeps surfacing time and again. He seems to get angry and whilst I am seething inside he appears to have forgotten about everything and goes on to something else which really frustrates me.
Letting go of past conflicts lessens over the years I think we run out of steam and they actually just fade by themselves.
To really let go the energy of our past conflicts we have to be at peace with them bring a gentleness and be humble…I am practicing.
Sadly I am beginning to understand the implications of a harsh word or thoughtless criticism I have felt them upon myself but not truly considered them when I give them. I am ashamed. Which is a good response because it gives me the insight to do something about it. An apology goes a long way even after a long time.
It is rather funny now to admit out loud that I am wrong and be able to say it loud and clear without fear of humiliation. He doesn’t say it out loud but his behaviour changes and he does something kind which means so much to our relationship.
We are together approaching our days with an attitude of gentleness and mutual support…this really does explain how it feels. We both feel the others change of heart, we are not just saying ‘I love you’ but meaning it.
I meditate each day and during the week I have done the loving kindness meditation specifically for David. At first it seemed strange as I was thinking he wasn’t doing it for me. But over time I know he is in his own way.
To embrace our differences means coming from a different mindset that isn’t steeped in competition and arrogance. Since reading this lesson I am thinking more and more about who is the ‘I’ that thinks my ideas and actions are the only way of doing or saying things. Just thinking about this makes changes for the better. When one of us slows down a little and doesn’t jump in with impatience the other is caught out some what and follows this lead. Very interesting. Our differences are beginning to be less of a conflict.
I can be flexible but yielding is a struggle!
Unnecessary conflict stands out more as something I can do something about by not being selfish and recognising our fundamental differences is actually a more thoughtful subject. I have looked at these and realise that these mostly were what appealed to me many moons ago before children and all the rest. I’m taking my time more to watch and to see him as he is what make him really happy, makes him laugh and how he succeeds in what he does and the things he avoids and what makes him unhappy. When I leave me out of this watching it turns into caring and loving him a little bit more.
There are grievances theatre gone over again and again and there seems no other way to come through them same unhappy results. So in meditation I bring this to mind and then leave it alone, I do believe that this is making a gradual understanding of what we have put in place by mistake.
One strategy is to decide not to discus any issues when we are tired, one or both and respect each others wishes and not to go into anything potentially deep before going to bed.
There are many things that draw us together we are comfortable around each other.
To start celebrating the things I love about him and to let him know how good they make me feel.
I am working on being my best and finding ways that I am able to free us both so he can do his best to without worrying about what I will say or do. I don’t think this has been a priority and I have fallen into some bad habits, there is definite room for improvement.
Our hearts are opening more and our attitudes are slowly softening we are sharing more.
At the moment I am wondering how to introduce the last few questions I know everything is growing and I don’t want it to become forced.
At the moment I don’t have ink in my printer so I have emailed the lessons to David and he is printing them for me, I think he might well be reading them! In the mean time I will bring the questions to mind and see where that leads us.
Blessings and heart felt gratitude for this in our lives at this time.22/02/2019 at 10:40 am #58206Lil RabbitParticipant
Hello @ Burgs and everyone else
I often feel that my inner “Buddha nature” is most difficult to connect to and my mind most difficult to control within the context of my relationship. It is as if I am aware of the behavioral choices I have and how they will affect the other person, yet sometimes I am unable to control myself from doing / saying things that are not necessarily kind, thoughtful, or loving to my partner. I feel frustrated by this inability to control the reactions of my mind and in the end my actions seem to hurt me the most due to the disappointment I feel in not being able to maneuver the way I would like to. It is as though my mind is one step behind and goes rogue at the last minute. I often say that this is not a problem in other areas of my life, only with my partner. However, I do wonder if this habit pattern would continue with a different partner. How can I better navigate the selfish tendencies of my mind? Thank you.
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