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#9879
Sam
Participant

Thank you Burgs… Yes, finding a genuine love for ourselves before we can let go of our compulsive need for the attention of others!… hmm…i think that this is very pertinent for me, my need for love from others often feels unbearable and embarrassing, leading me to fight too hard to win it or shut others out so they dont see it and i can pretend i doesnt exist… i definitely have a huge tendency to judge myself too harshly and self generosity is definitely something i am much less comfortable with than tending to the needs of others. When i am concentrating on others needs i feel confident and capable and secure but when i switch the focus to myself it feels like i suddenly dont have such solid ground under my feet and i easily lose my way and do myself violence without really realising it… i do find metta practice with the focus on myself, especially my child self, does really help when i do it but i often neglect this practice and tend to focus more on the insight and wisdom aspects at the exclusion of the love and compassion aspects. in resonance with Kirstens post on a previous thread i am going through a period of rethinking and simplifying my aspirations and how much i expect from myself, even trying to take the hard push off my spiritual practice so there is more space and gentleness and i dont get so disheartened when i fail to meet the exacting, sometimes impossibly high, standards i too often hold for myself (and others). One thing I have found is that allowing myself to be vulnerable and open to the love and generosity of others can really help to hold myself with a greater sense of love and generosity but i find this a massive challenge. In this regard I would like to share another reflection on generosity prompted by a friends post on facebook. She had recently lost her baby. In her post she shared a picture she had drawn of a mother goddess figure (Herself) giving birth to the universe. Accompanying the picture was the most honest, raw and courageous poetry. In her words she was able to share the immense pain and suffering she was going through whilst also showing how that very suffering, because she was meeting it and embracing it, was transforming her and opening her heart. I was very moved by her sharing and also very grateful to have my heart opened also. The comments to her post all seemed to have a similar response. I was struck by how much of a gift it can be to share our suffering and healing with others, i think that sharing our vulnerability , if done in the right way without self indulgence, can be a huge act of generosity to ourselves and others.