I was at the retreat where this discourse was recorded, and I was going to ask Ben if I could get hold of a copy as it blew me away.
Great to hear it again, but it touched me at a deeper place this time. I actually think the discourse was the prompt for a dream I had shortly after listening to it again. In the dream I was being told by the owner of the business my brother & I have started to pick up orders from that there was nothing more coming our way. In the dream I was literally begging this man to change his mind, I was left utterly bereft by this news. I’d welcome some objective interpretation of this dream, but I was left with the following reflections; 1) I am not free at the moment. 2) I am a slave to the system and to my desire to be seen to be a part of it. 3) At a subtle level fear is driving me.
This discourse has also revealed to me why I find it so uncomfortable at work. It is that friction Burgs talks about of not being aligned with whats going on and continuing to take.
All that being said, its helped to crystallize my intentions. As another poster has said, I will continue in my current line of work for another couple of years in the hope I can make a few quid to help my parents and to give me a platform to move onto something different. If it don’t work out at least I have tried.
I am fortunate to be involved with something outside of the 9-5 that allows me to be of service pretty well as much as I like, and the peace and ease I feel when I’m involved with it is at times quite profound. This is what I would like to move towards, a live of service in some capacity (either unpaid or only taking enough to live on).
But on account of the excessively indulgent way I lived up until 3 years ago, I still need to straighten out my affairs and tend to what I perceive to be my duties, both of which require income for the next couple of years or so. At least that is how I perceive things to be, perhaps I am deluded by my attachment to this idea of self, who knows?
Also, I did not recall when I heard it at the retreat that Burgs said that I do not need to worry about the bigger picture as its always perfect. What valuable insight he has shared there as there was always a part of me that went to either of the extremes of ‘its too little too late so whats the point’ or ‘i must save the world single-handedly.’ I can put a line through both now