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#49640
Kate
Participant

I have sometimes felt that it would be a lot easier to ‘unconcious’ what has revealed itself since starting to follow the dhamma as its has been inconvenient in many ways. Living with virtue has been something i have grappled with for many years, and being in my early 20’s intoxication was/is up there as a biggy! For years i have continued time and time again to put myself back into old drinking situations that no longer serve me, keeping my virtue by not drinking, trying my best to enjoy the old party ways I used to be the centre of and unable to flourish because having learnt what i have my heart knows a deeper peace and it refuses to go back into the old way of being. Instead of sewing seeds for the future and making a step in the right direction I continued stuck in the same place, unsure of why i was so unhappy and wishing I could just forget all I’d learnt on sila and meditation and get stuck in like the rest! Mainly I was pretending to be something I no longer was, because that carelessness seems so much easier! This same thread moved not just in my social interactions but in my work. As a teacher people assume that your work is always linked in virtue and helping children to thrive. Not so in the West London independent school system. I think a lot of what you say burgs as ‘messy compassion’ and ‘messy leaders’ is hugely detrimental and as I teacher I was one of them. I kept working in a place which was against the truth my heart knew of how life should be, and how children should be taught, and I pushed on and on without saying a word while my heart withered and looked all around me wondering how all the other teachers were continuing on while I was slowly deteriorating. I knew that the pace and the expectations on the children I taught were detrimental to their emotional wellbeing. Despite having known truly what was going on, I didn’t stop until my mind and body forced me too. In truth I was trying my best to be virtuous and keep my sila, but i refused to make the proper changes needed soon enough, mostly because I didn’t know what to do, and secondly because there is so much of my ego that clung to the old idea of myself and the gratification it received. I now know the effect of not following your heart has, and whatever I do in the future can only be rooted in virtue and kindness because I know now on a very deep level that that is the only way to truly be happy.