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#37376
Karolina Shaw
Participant

If words had associative actions, these words would be actively peeling back the scales from my eyes. To borrow your words, Burgs, I feel I’ve been ‘tap dancing’ to the tune of my own lust for as long as I can remember – ever since I had agency over the choices I make in life, many of them – not just in terms of relationship choices – were driven by lust.

Yes, there’s the ‘desire to do no harm to self or others’ and it’s easy to understand what that means on a physical level, but going deeper and trying to understand that on a spiritual level is much more challenging. The idea of causing someone else intrapsychic (vs physical) pain because of a lust-driven action – whether it be mentally holding someone as an object of lust or physically acting on it – or simply perhaps continuing to take, take and take of someone’s goodwill to get what you want – is so very hard to bear and I see that the root of my challenge lies in this very sentence. Instead of reacting in a more wholesome way and attempting to shore up some resolve to rectify the situation, I find myself falling more easily into a more unwholesome state of feeling regret or remorse at the realisation of what I have been playing at (presently this happens down the line and on reflection rather than in-the-moment)…which goes on to cause suffering to both ourselves and the person we are hurting. And what is that if it is not ignorance and pride. Now I am starting to wake up, I can only hope I spend more time being constructive and trying to rectify this, the hardest of mistakes to learn from.