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Maria I can really relate to what your saying and Burgs I appreciate what you have to say on relationships, that piece should be read at school.
As of three months ago me and my wife separated. We have two boys, nine and twelve years old. The relationship was in ways hard from the get go but it was never layed out to be easy. The lucidity to see what was going on with us has been probably my biggest struggle with self honesty to date and talk about button pushing.
It has been heart breaking on so many levels, we potentially had so much going for us but we unfortunately had some hard karma to fruit over the years. The relationship was very hard going for me, I did a lot to hold the family together and ended up having to question myself often as to whether I was ultimately making things better or worse, I found it so cloudy to see that answer and found myself concluding partly out of denial and some acceptance that things were kind of out of my hands and to let things run their course. Well the things I’ve had to let run their course have been really challenging, so much was piled on me and so much forcibly removed.
I was scared of how much I would suffer through this, sometime ago I saw some of a storm brewing reminiscent of very hard time for us about seven years ago and kind of knew some dark times were coming, but didn’t want to believe it. I have suffered and will still do, aspects of the break up keep unfolding but I’ve not suffered to much and I thank goodness to have come across the dhamma let alone such a personable teacher.
This relationship has been a massive learning experience for us both, without it I doubt we would have bothered to challenge areas of our selfs and it had to be this way.
My strong attachment is softening, how well supported my life is is becoming more apparent my gratitude for just life is growing and mind and body is healing and I’d never have thought really that would be the case, thank you subtle teachings.
Now I’m letting the dust settle, still giving much needed support to my ex wife but more carefully, still a little heart broken, still a bit worried about the boys but not feeling incomplete not regretful and feeling like things are ok, mostly.